


Words aren't enough

by tinyarmedtrex



Series: BLM Commissions <3 [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: 5+ 1 fic, Canon Divergent, M/M, Richie has a hard time saying I love you, Seth Meyers - Freeform, and some late night help, commission, it takes a few years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: Five times Richie tried to tell Eddie he loved him and one time he finally did.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: BLM Commissions <3 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810261
Comments: 12
Kudos: 126





	Words aren't enough

1

The first time Richie wanted to tell Eddie he loved him was after that summer. The summer that none of them really remembered but that still hung heavy in all of them. That summer was over but life hadn’t gotten easier. They were still losers, outcasts to everyone except themselves, and Richie had just gotten the snot beat out of him by Henry and his goons, a far too common occurrence if Richie was being honest. Eddie had found him, trying to stand up behind the Aladdin, near where they’d fixed Ben up that fateful day. Eddie had been riding by and heard Richie crying.

“I wasn’t crying.” Richie insisted, hissing as Eddie poured antiseptic on his cuts. Eddie had insisted on taking Richie back to his house and cleaning him up, knowing that Richie wouldn’t do anything if left alone. 

“Wailing then.” Eddie said, smiling slightly at Richie, who stuck his tongue out. Eddie just rolled his eyes and kept cleaning his cuts. As Eddie worked, Richie wondered if he’d always associate this smell with Eddie, the strange tang of hydrogen peroxide and new band aids. It certainly wasn’t the only smell he associated with Eddie. Laundry detergent, dove soap and the unique smell of lake water reminded Richie of him too. If Richie was being totally honest, most things reminded him of Eddie. It was hard for him to look anywhere and not think of Eddie. It was going to be a problem one day, Richie knew that, but for today, he enjoyed Eddie’s attention, teasing him for wearing non-medical approved shorts. 

“What did you do this time?” Eddie asked, leaning in to clean a cut above Richie’s eyebrow. It put Eddie’s neck close enough that Richie could almost see his heart beating against his skin. He wanted to reach out and touch it, to put his finger there and feel the solid thump of it, revel in the knowledge that Eddie was alive, alive, alive. 

“Nothing.” 

The smaller boy pulled back, raising an eyebrow and looking skeptical. “Nothing like the time you superglued Henry’s knife to the floor?”

“Nothing like I was walking home and they decided to play ‘let’s kick the faggot’.” Richie said quietly, dropping his eyes. He’d come out to the losers last summer by making a joke about banging Stan’s dad. It had been met with groans and acceptance. Exactly what Richie wanted. 

Eddie was quiet for a second, messing with the medicine kit. Richie knew he was thinking from how his lips were pursed. Finally, he answered, equally quietly.

“I know the feeling.” 

“Eds- are you?” Sure, Eddie was consistently teased at school for being small, delicate, and gay. Everyone assumed it but Eddie had never said anything and none of them were going to push. It was for Eddie to tell them, not anyone else. 

Eddie raised his eyes, meeting Richie’s and nodding. “I am. I’m gay, Richie.”

Richie was on his feet in a second, pulling Eddie into a rough hug. “Congrats buddy, it's the second best club around.” The losers club would always be first in Richie’s heart. 

“Thanks Richie.” Eddie said, sinking into the hug. “I’ve wanted to tell you for a while.” 

Richie pulled back a little. “Just me?” He asked. Suddenly, his mouth was dry as he wondered if another confession was coming, one he’d dreamed of hearing many times. Of Eddie saying he felt the same, or even close, to how Richie felt about him. He nearly said it first, the words were on the tip of his tongue.

_ I love you, Eds. I’ve loved you since that summer you broke your arm. I know none of us remember what happened but I remember being scared for you, wanting to protect you. I can feel it in my bones, the need to keep you safe. I love you so much that it hurts, that sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops, just so it has somewhere to go.  _

But before he could say any of that, Eddie nodded and spoke. “Because I knew you’d understand. Since you’re- you know. We’re the same.”

Richie exhaled and nodded, shoving all his feelings back down where they belonged. “Two peas in a pod, Eds.” He threw an arm around the smaller boy, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Wotcher, Eds, we need to tally forth and tell the others! Tis a day of celebration!”

“I hate you sometimes.” Eddie muttered, letting Richie lead him out of the bathroom. 

_ I love you all the time _ , Richie thought as they walked to their bikes. 

2

This was it, their last day together. Not that either of them were calling it that, they couldn’t. Admitting it would be too much.

Bill was already gone, he’d left two weeks ago, leaving for a fancy college down south that he still couldn’t pronounce without stuttering. Stan had been next, going to Atlanta, promising with a sad look to call when he got there. They all knew he wouldn’t. Just like Bev hadn’t after she’d left all those years ago or how Bill hadn’t even though he had only left recently. They didn’t talk about it though, what was the point? They accepted the good byes and promises, all of them pretending that maybe it would be different this time. 

Richie was next. He was leaving in the morning to go to his dream college in California. He’d be far away from Derry, the town that had made his life hell for the last 18 years. But it was also the town with his best friends and- Eddie. 

“You haven’t even packed.” Eddie said from his perch on Richie’s bed. They were meeting Ben and Mike in twenty minutes. Ben would leave tomorrow too, then Eddie was the day after. Mike was staying behind, saying his family needed help with the farm. Something in Richie told him that that wasn’t totally true but he didn’t question it, it wasn’t his place.

He looked around. Richie’s room looked like a tornado had ripped through it, clothes and books riddled the floor. He hadn’t packed because then it would be real, then he’d really be leaving, he’d really have to say goodbye to everyone, Eddie especially. But he couldn’t say that outloud. Even if things had always been different between him and Eddie, he couldn’t admit that to him. It was too much, too scary. He’d never been able to tell Eddie exactly how he felt. 

He’d promised himself that he would try though, a dumb promise he made when he was drunk on his parents' vodka and looking at the stars. It felt noble then. The next day it had seemed stupid. But a promise was a promise, even if it was to himself. Now, he was down to the wire, only hours left. Eddie was fiddling with a stray thread on his bed, looking around Richie’s room with obvious concern. 

“Hey Eds, I-” Richie started. 

“I’ll help you pack.” Eddie said, springing up like Richie hadn’t spoken. He grabbed Richie’s duffle bag and started folding his shirts. Richie wanted to object, he knew he should tell Eddie how he felt, but he couldn’t force the words out again. Besides, there was no way he’d forget Eddie. He couldn’t. Eddie was as important to him as breathing. 

“Don’t forget my lube.” Richie said, walking over and nudging Eddie’s shoulder. “Gotta pack the important stuff first.”

“You’re disgusting.” Eddie said, wiping his eyes. Richie pretended not to notice. 

3

Richie stopped and stared, feelings and emotions hitting him like a tidal wave. Eddie fucking Kaspbrak. How could he have forgotten him? How could he have forgotten any of them? 

Eddie hadn’t noticed him yet, still rambling to the waitress about his alleged allergies, so Richie picked up the mallet and struck the gong. “This meeting of the loser’s club has officially begun.” 

Six pairs of eyes snapped to him, all with different degrees of smiles. Mike moved first, pulling him into a tight hug. Stan was next, mumbling some joke about how he still had the same glasses. Then Bill. Bev and Ben he’d already seen outside. Finally it was just Eddie, looking up at him with those same big eyes that Richie had always loved. 

“You came.” Eddie said, sounding a little shocked.

“So did you.” Richie let himself stare at Eddie. There was still a lot he didn’t remember but so much that he did. How Eddie had made him feel, like he was on top of the world, invincible.

“I forgot you.” Eddie added, sounding a little sad. 

Richie’s hand was halfway to Eddie’s face, ready to cup it like he had when they were kids, when Mike called for all of them to gather. 

“Sit by me, asshole.” Eddie called, grabbing them two seats. 

Richie barely listened as Mike spoke, thanking them all for coming and promising to tell them why later. He was too focused on Eddie, drinking in all the changes. Gone were his pudgy cheeks, the ones his aunts loved to pinch. Instead, he looked almost gaunt. He had dark rings under his eyes and- to Richie’s disappointment- a wedding ring. Still though, everything about him made Richie’s pulse quicken, even after all these years. He was still in love. 

Dinner went smoothly, a lot of catching up, swapping memories and comparing their lives. Shit hit the fan as the fortune cookies came, attacking all of them with vicious spite. Richie was parazlyed by the eye but still managed to look for Eddie, seeing that Ben was protecting him. He took one, two, strides across the room, ready to throw himself in front of the terrifying bat creature, when Mike solved the problem, breaking the cookies and the demons they held. 

Afterwards, Richie was outside, his hands fumbling for a smoke. He wanted to leave. He couldn’t do this- and why should he? This town had never cared about him.

Eddie found him first, even now. “Smoking kills.” He said, leaning against the wall next to Richie.

“Yea well, so does Derry.” He said, sucking the nicotine into his lungs and instantly feeling better. 

“I saw you, in the restaurant.” Eddie continued. “You were trying to get to me.”

Richie turned to look at Eddie, trying to read his friend’s emotions. There wasn’t judgement or anger just- hope? Richie hoped he wasn’t reading too much into it.

“Eds, I-” He started again, ready to finally say the words he’d been holding in all these years when-

“Richie? Eddie? Fuck, did they leave already?” Bill called. Eddie, always the sucker for Bill, jumped up and waved. 

“We’re over here.” 

Soon they were joined by the others, Bev bumming a cigarette off him. “You guys are staying right?” Mike asked. Bill nodded first, then Ben, Bev, Stan. Then it was to him and Eddie. Richie watched as Eddie nodded and sighed, stomping out his smoke. 

“Next year I’m planning the reunion, Mike.” He muttered, nodding along with his friends. He couldn’t leave them. 

4

“Richie! I know how to defeat IT! I know what to-” 

Eddie’s triumphant speech was cut off as a claw ripped through him, effectively stopping whatever he was going to say. For a long second, Richie couldn’t move, couldn’t think. He’d just gotten Eddie back and now- 

“Richie?” Eddie asked from above him, his voice small like it had been when they were kids. 

“I’ve got you.” Richie said, snapping out of his stupor and reaching for Eddie, carrying him to safety. “You stay here.”  _ Stay alive. _

Weakly, Eddie nodded, grabbing Richie’s shirt as he started to move away. “Make him small.” Eddie whispered, lifting his hand to show what he meant. 

“Sure thing, Eds.” Richie replied, his voice thick. He took off his coat and pressed it to the wound, noticing how pale Eddie already was, how much blood he’d soaked his coat. 

“Richie, I-” Eddie started to say but Richie shook his head. 

“Don’t you dare. I’m not listening to your final words, Eds. Don’t fucking-” He wiped his tears away. “You’re going to make it. You’re going to get out of here and complain about your irritable bowel for years to come.” 

Eddie didn’t look like he believed Richie but he nodded, leaning back and closing his eyes. Like he had so many times before Richie pressed a kiss to his forehead, refusing to think that it could be his last. 

The rest of the battle was a blur. Richie was half focused on Eddie, whipping his head back to see if the man was still breathing. Bill snarled at him, telling Richie to pay attention, but the second they knew Pennywise was dead, he rushed back, pressing a dirty finger to Eddie’s neck and holding his breath as he looked for a pulse.

_ Please God, please. Let him live. I can’t lose him again. Not like this. Not until- _

Then he felt it. A slow but steady heartbeat. A sob ripped through Richie. 

“He’s alive.” Richie said, turning to look at the others. “Ben, Mike, can you-” Together, the three of them lifted Eddie, half carrying, half dragging him out as the cave started to collapse. 

It wasn’t easy but they managed to make it out before the house collapsed, Richie falling onto the ground next to Eddie. He looked at the other man, watching his chest rise and fall. Those words bubbled up, the ones that he’d never had a chance to say, the ones that he always chickened out of. Eddie had nearly died before Richie had a chance to say them. 

Richie reached out, cradling Eddie’s cheek in his hand. Eddie’s eyelids fluttered at the touch. “Eds, I-”

“I called an ambulance.” Ben said, standing over them. “Should be about five minutes. Assuming the town collapsing doesn’t screw us over.”

Richie took a deep breath, letting his forehead fall against Eddie’s. “Hear that, Eds? We did it. You did it.” 

5

Ten hours later and Eddie was out of surgery. He was asleep now, the doctors said he would probably sleep for a while, shooting all of them quizzical looks. They clearly didn’t buy the story of a car accident but they also didn’t ask follow up questions which was all Richie could ask for. 

The others were there too, standing around Eddie’s bed, watching him sleep. Everyone was exhausted and dirty but they hadn’t left, not until Eddie was truly out of danger. Now though, now he was safe, he would live. It was really over. Richie waited for relief but it didn’t come. It wouldn’t until Eddie opened his eyes. 

“I think we’re going to go.” Ben said, glancing at Bev, who was sleeping on his shoulder. “But if there’s any news-”

“I’ll call you.” Richie promised. “You guys can all go. I’m going to stay.” 

Slowly, the others shuffled out, until it was just him and Stan. Stan was giving him a look that Richie remembered all too well. 

“Just say it, Birdman.” Richie mumbled. “I’m too tired to interpret your eyebrows.” 

The sides of Stan’s lips quirked up. “I missed you, Trashmouth. You’ve always had a way with words.”

“Way more than Bill does, right?” He asked as Stan pulled up a chair next to him.

“Maybe. Don’t tell him I said that though.” 

Richie chuckled. He knew he should be looking at Stan but he couldn’t tear his eyes from Eddie. The man looked so small, so delicate, like this. Richie had never thought of Eddie as delicate before, the man was a fighter, but like this, unmoving and wrapped in bandages, he looked like he needed to be kept safe. 

Richie wanted to keep him safe. 

He reached for Eddie, taking his hand. Eddie would hate this, how dirty Richie still was, touching his pristine white sheets. He forgot Stan was there as he stared, the events of the day finally catching up with him.

Until Stan spoke. “ If you find someone worth holding on to, never ever let them go.” He said, putting a hand on Richie’s shoulder. 

Richie’s head whipped to him, his mouth falling open. “Stan, I-”

“I know, Richie. I think,” Stan cocked his head, looking at Richie like he could see through him. If anyone could, it was Stan; he was sure of that.

“I think I always knew.” Stan finished quietly. “You could have told me.”

He looked back at Eddie. “I could barely admit it to myself.” 

Stan hummed. “Well Richie, now you have the rest of your life. Don’t waste it.” He stood, standing over Richie and pressing a kiss to Richie’s cheek.

“Stan, you sly dog, what would your wife say?” He joked, used his stained shirt to wipe some tears. 

“She has nothing to worry about.” Stan replied, walking to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Richie.”

“You’re stuck with me now, Stanathy.” Richie called, watching his friend leave before turning back to Eddie. 

For once in his life, Richie didn’t say anything. He wanted Eddie to be awake when he said the words, wanted him to be safe and healthy. 

+1 

“Your new comedy routine is-” Seth Meyers paused, trying to think of a word. 

“Flamboyant?” He suggested, making the audience laugh. 

Seth laughed, his eyes crinkling. “Well, I was going to say honest but yes, that works too.”

Richie leaned back, nodding. “Yea, you’re right. It’s both really. I guess after forty years in the closet, it started to feel a little small. I wanted to come out in a big way.”

“And that you did.” Seth said. Richie knew that viewers were seeing his coming out tweet. One that asked if he was more of a bear or an otter with the hashtags #btwImgay #supergay #megagay #bringonthedicks. It had caused quite the stir and for a while, his popularity dipped. But then it rose. Now he was doing even better than before. 

“What made you want to come out?” Seth asked, leaning over his desk. 

Richie exhaled. He had a canned response but, for some reason, he wanted to tell the truth tonight. He’d lived so many lies, he wanted something to be honest. He looked right at the camera, swallowing his nervousness. He pretended that he was talking to Eddie and only him. 

“There was this boy, Seth. A cute boy. We’ve been friends since we were kids and I teased him. A lot. Pigtail pulling shit. I- I should have told him how I felt then. My life would have been a lot easier.” He chuckled. “But I chickened out, we lost touch, there was a clown and a spider-”

“A what?” Seth asked but Richie kept talking.

“Anyway, he nearly died. And I thought that I was never going to get to tell him.”

“Tell him what?”

Richie took a deep breath. Eddie was watching this backstage. He had come with tonight, insisting that he wanted to meet Seth too. Hopefully, he would still be waiting after this. 

“I love him. I’ve loved him since we were kids.” It was a relief to finally say, the final piece of a puzzle that had taken him forty years to complete. 

“Well,” Seth clapped and the audience joined in. “He’s a lucky guy. Anyway, Richie, tell me more about this tour.” 

The rest of the interview went well, probably. Richie was only half paying attention. His mind was on Eddie, what he was thinking, if he was pissed. After shaking hands and waving to the audience, Richie went backstage, to his dressing room. Eddie was in there, perched on the side of the couch. He looked up as Richie entered, his expression unreadable. 

“What did you think?” Richie asked, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. “I didn’t tell a single dick joke.” 

Eddie stood. It was a little slow, he was still recovering. Physical therapy three times a week with Richie was helping. 

“You confessed your feelings on national TV.” Eddie said, walking towards him. He’d finally lost the crutch that he hated so much but there was still a limp, a reminder of what had happened. 

“Yea it was- romantic?” 

Eddie’s hands came up, cupping the back of Richie’s head and tugging it down. “It wasn’t. At all.” Richie’s stomach fell. But then Eddie continued. “But it was very you.” He smiled. “I love you too, you dumbass.” 

“I hope you love more than my ass.” Richie muttered before he could stop himself. It earned him a punch and as he yelped, Eddie tugged his head down, pressing his lips to Richie’s. Richie’s hands found Eddie’s hips, gripping them tight and kissing him back like he’d dreamt of so many times. 

Richie was on cloud nine. “I love you, Eds. I love you, I love you, I-” He was never going to stop saying it. 

Eddie kissed his nose. “I love you too.” He slipped his hand into Richie’s, kissing him once more. “Can we go home now?”

“Fuck yea.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my second commission! I'm still taking them if people send me proof of donation to a BLM or any nonprofit for rebuilding MN neighborhoods!  
> Thanks all <3


End file.
